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Its almost four am and I just got home from Faye’s bridal shower - a very tamed one if I may say so. My "other" bridal showers involved strippers and games that you’d rather erase from your own memory. This one was simply a night with the girls, a devil may care how much we drink and dance sort of stint. I was really happy that my best gal had a great time on her last weekend being single but at the same time, the event got me thinking…

Who will throw my shower and who’s gonna be there? Almost all my best girl friends are married or soon to tie the knot. Not that I envy them, but it makes me wonder, when it’s my turn- will there be any more single ladies left to party with me? Or would they all be too busy taking care of their babies and hubbies? Will I have anyone left to drag around to bridal fairs ( not that I have to ) and lingerie shopping?

I know my girlfriends are never gonna dessert me, but over the years, I’ve noticed that my gimmicks are majorly occupied by friends from the opposite sex. One by one it gets more and more difficult to get a girl to hang out with. Tonight made me want more of those bar moments - where all of menkind is ogling at the group of hot women I entered the bar with. Not that getting picked up is a joy, but I’m a bit tired of being my boys’ wing man. I miss getting dressed up, knowing that my friends were dolling up as much as i was. When you hang out with boys, no matter how hot you look, no man will dare get near you. 

When I turned 30 a few weeks ago, someone asked me how i felt in general. And with a far away gaze, I answered - happy and quiet. Which is a contradiction to my life last year. No more chaotic schedules ( I am a bum ), no more two dates in one day ( hehe-lunch and dinner ), no more booty calls ( they call, I hang up ), no more cant decide who to go out with that night, and no more hating myself for staying home on a friday. Allthough I still love shopping for make-up, theyre simply for my narcissistic pleasure, and not meant for the next new guy in my life. I guess when you stop pondering where everythings going and merely accept that God has a plan, indeed, you sort of look for nothing more.

But Im still worried that no one will throw me a bridal shower. hahaha
Cheers to you Faye, Anna, Gelza, Phoebe, Chuchay and Rain ( resident gayfriend ), and Ryu ( favorite bartender ). may we not run out of reasons to hang out.

This afternoon, I went driving with an extra cool, (di kagwapuhan pero galing ng sense of humor), friend and thanks to Metro Manila traffic, we started trading bedroom tell tales, of course we kept participating party’s anonymous. And as sexcapade sharing goes with men, they tend to escalate the conversation to topics that will magnify their excellence.Cliche as it may seem, one of his brag-abouts was going down on a sizzling hot lesbian who taunted men for their lack of felacciobilities.So, they get to the dirty dare and after what may be the most motivated performance of his life, his partner belts out: Dude, you suck like a Dike!

So, as my analytical wheels start turning once more, my dear friends out there, would you claim to have a bragging moment in bed? All of us  have aftersex thoughts, but most of the time its all about what your partner did to you thats still keeping you wet a day after. Have you ever stopped to ponder, what was my amazing contribution to last night’s tumble in the hay? For men, what did you do that got her screaming ( which in turn got you screaming too ), and scratching and god knows what other wonderful violent reactions did you stir? For women, what did you do to your beau that almost pushed him into a cardiac arrest? Do we all have a signature move that singles us out from the rest?

I ask my musicians ( mostly men ) this question, and I get a variety of answers with one binding factor - their instrumental specialty seems to carry out in the sheets as well. As horn section players ( sax, trumpet, flute ) would put it - We have awesome lip, tongue and finger coordination. Naks…nicely put. to summarize, drummers have endless power and rhythm ( lalo na yung may lagkit pumalo …hmmm), keyboardists have "fingering prowess," guitarists and bassist - the same, but with more bravado DAW than the pianists. Singers??? i wonder- AH MAHABA HININGA. can hold their breath for a long time. ( fafas!!!) And if this theory holds true, then whats the origin of the saying: BASTA DRIVER, SWEET LOVER??? food for thought…Ilang driver na ang natikman nya bago sya nag-arrive sa conclusion na yan? at anung klaseng tsuper??? Kung walang good morning towel counted pa ba???

Switching to girltalk, what trophies do we hold? Well, some would say that the way they look is more than enough of a medal to take to bed, but I beg to disagree. If we say that its enough to be physically beautiful to be unforgettable, its like claiming that all guys with big dicks are stupendously orgasmic - refer to old blog ( Bad Sex and the Morning After.) Well, ladies,speak up!Some claim to do lap dances and wear kinky outfits, blow their partners away - literally to heaven, or play with themselves…"you watch me, i watch you."

A good friend asked me this week, " How are you in bed?" And my answer was - it depends on my partner. I guess what I’m saying is that above all cheats and tricks, nothing beats an unrivetting connection between a man and a woman. And as orgasms can not be faked ( argumentative! ), the genuine chemistry and sexual compatibility just cant be beat by knowing the right buttons to push…I believe that when you have matched pheromones, and im not talking about love here-im saying good-ole-undeniable attraction; you sort of just know what to do next…Theres no second guessing why you ended up naked together…No regrets the morning after cause the experience was mutually gratifying in all levels, and you can’t replay the signature moves in your head cause you are simply left wanting for more.

“None of the above.”  That would be the obvious and righteous answer – we all want the fairy tale ending. But then again, back to the real world, majority of the twenty something’s and beyond out there have been in any of the three situations in life as stated. Umamin na kayo…J

Most people would think that men, especially the “legendary barneys” out there, would probably say  “Cheater, pare.” With a smirk that conveys a certified crooked sense of propriety…But watch him closely and a few minutes later he’ll have a far away look that means: I wish I didn’t cheat on her, siguro kame pa ngayon…But hey! I’m not judging anyone here, most definitely not generalizing men, my species are just a little bit more discreet about our elicit conquests, I think. I’m also not saying that cheating is justifiable, cause there’s no excuse for hurting someone, but the cheater also gets pained. Aside from the fact that it’s not pocket friendly, having on the side escapades takes cunning wit and a hell lot of extra effort and energy to hide all forms of evidence ( iwasang magkamali – lahat tawaging BABY ), avoid the public eye, unbelievable time management and multi-tasking skills; and for some – sleepless guilt trips ( naks! ). The last one I find applicable to people who did not mean to find someone better than the one they already have…( naks, ulit! ). Hindi nga, serious! Let’s be human here – TAKEN AND SUPPOSEDLY COMMITTED PEOPLE OUT THERE – case in point: you’ve been in a relationship for 4 years, then you meet someone new at work, sparks fly, attraction is so gigil-high, pano na??? Of course you would have to think think think…But that’s a different blog all together: How to hold yourself back from kissing your office crush for 3 years in the middle of Ayala Ave…oops. Erase that last line.

Clearly, nobody would want to be CHEATED ON. Poor victim of the cruel game of love. I’ve been in that boat and it’s not a ship you’d like to ride twice (literal diba?)…Aside from the kirot and sakit brought upon by the mere fact that he or she cheated, masakit din the following: a.how you found out ( everyone knew except you! kahit nanay mo alam, nabasa mo text ( wag na kase mangeelam ), or friendster ( bat kase alam ang password ), babae ang nagbukas ng pinto ng bahay nya ( with bagong ligo look )or point blank – sinabe nya “I’m in love with somebody else.”( valium valium! ) ),b. Kinaawaan ka ng buong mundo – not to mention your whole barkada is plotting how to get back at him – may it be kulam, pambabarang, pabubugbog and the like, 5 times a day tumatawag bestfriend mo, umiiyak ka tuwing may makakakita sa kanya with his new girl, and all of a sudden pinaglalaba ka ng kapatid mo kahit di mo bigyan ng allowance. I went through this state more than once, and the A-Z of mercury drug just won’t cut it. You sort of just get angry…then angrier…then you blame yourself…then one day you become tired…then finally you accept things and you move on…you know now that “De NILE is just a river in Egypt.” Get it? Denial…( to quote Amor De Sangre (played by May Bayot ), “Skin Deep” by Peta ). Nakababaliw man, nairaraos din.

So, what’s the safer choice???Sad to say, Cheatee. And I mean the intentional and fully cooperative one. Hindi yung by accident – di alam na querida sya (lesson:I-google lahat ng bagong date). I’m not saying that being the third party is correct. There is nothing good about sharing somebody or taking someone from somebody. A lot of us would say “ di ako pinalaki ng magulang ko para maging kabit no!” But back to the hypothetical question at hand, cheatee seems like the most un hurting of all. You already knew what you were up for – you cant text or call him all day, pag di sumagot kasama girlfriend nya, you cant see him when you want to, you cant demand, and from the onset you’re stripped of hoping and planning your future with this person.

So, if you ask me, which one would it be??? NONE. Now people know why im still single. Haha. Cheater – yes I was, but not by choice – my savior (3^rd party ) made me realize there was something better than my battered girlfriend status at that time. Cheated on – isa lang nahuli ko, apat ang inamin nya. Months of therapy and enduring issues with trust and commitment…Cheatee??? Truly exciting and profitable ( hehe )…but the thrill passes and ultimately you’re left with nothing but an oversized bed on a Friday night. Hay…babalik nga tayo sa none of the above…The world, well most of it, still chooses to be idealistic, to hope for the best. Our country in particular – when the rest of the globe is into swingers and open relationships….WE, the Filipino people, have an overwhelming statistic of 800,000 couples tying the knot each year…( good for my business ). When there’s a scarcity of qualified single detached men out there, let’s be hopeful or more cautious…Remember the golden question : Are you single or married? If you’re married are you happy? If you’re still single, what the hell is wrong with you?

" He didn’t know how to use it." My uberly disappointed girlfriend excalimed. She finally had a go at it with this guy with major sex appeal, and apparently he did not live up to her expectations…Or based on her story, ANY woman’s number one requirement in bed: an orgasm.

But what really gets me, is the look on our faces the morning after a so called "bad -fuck." It’s a weird,undescribable stare that says " I can’t belive I slept with him." Contrary to the beautiful after-sex glow that is spelled out by an ear-to-ear grin and a surge of endorphins; this experience leaves you with a foul mood and slows you down in disamazement - - - how could it have been so dreadful??? Well, I could only think of a few answers, so boys, you better listen up…

a. Rape - rapan: No foreplay, just rip of your panties, let me get done and I don’t care if you came or not.

b. Hoover kisser: I once dated someone who kissed like a vacuum cleaner. If he can’t turn me on with just his lips, I could imagine having temporary paralysis for the rest of the evening.

c. Talker : self - explanatory. Like I said, " If it’s not trash talk, save it for when we’re done."

d. Where is it??? : You know what I mean, but before you start thinking that it’s all about the size, let me explain further. Honestly, it is a factor, but not if you can’t work your equipment the right way and the right duration— SAYANG SI MANUY! Statistically, Filipina women prefer Maling over Foot long. But of course, no one wants a longganisa, right? ( sa lagay hahanapin ko pa yan!.This is it, OH!)

e. Selfish Pleasure: Para sa mga lalaking walang pakialam kung napaligaya ang kaulayaw sa kama. Utang na loob, God did not give you a mouth, hands, fingers, tongue, and an overly perverted brain for nothing!

But we really can’t blame men for everything. As they say, it takes two to tango. It’s a known fact that boys get overly excited when they do someone for the first time - meaning that an early erruption is sure to happen. The control is in our hands. And of course, girls, let’s be honest. It takes sheer will power to pull off a Meg Ryan Award - best faker! But some women prefer that over telling the truth. My fried has it easy. When asked if she reached heaven, she just gives this weird look on her face… I can’t do that. I would blatantly say NO, with a look of rage.

I told my friend, "Don’t you wanna give him another chance?" And her answer was a shocker, but made so much sense: " I don’t want to. Matuto pa sya sa ken at gamitin nya sa iba. It’s already enough of a benefit I gave in for a night, wag na nating dagdagan."

So boys, don’t be all Mr. Macho Man when you get to bring home someone with you for the night. For all you know, the joke will be on you the next day. We always kiss and tell…Someone is bound to find out…We may have needs, but we have standards.

You know how most people say that babies prematurely born on the 8th month have lesser chances of surviving versus those that were deliverd on their 7th? That’s how I feel about turning 29…I was totally to celebrating my 28th, but since the beginning of this year, I’ve started thinking countdown to 30…I skipped out on my actual age, by a whole note…:)

When I was 22, I went to an event wherein a Feng Shui guy told me, in verbatim " Pak ikaw di asawa 27, wala ka na." I felt like he planted a time bomb inside of me. And thus, I started this year with a worried and utterly vulnerable heart. I was waking up each day thinking that if I don’t move fast enough, my market value will drop by eons by the passing months, and spinster life is on its way. I began hating saturday nights spent alone - thinking that this is the shape of things to come - no one to go out with cause my friends would all be married. I dreaded not having someone to think about when I get up each morning and most of all buried myself in desperation when I got to bed alone. And most of all, I let myself die with my failed dating expeditions. I even went to the extent of considering to marry someone I hardly knew just because it felt like my last chance to get on the bandwagon.

But one day, I just woke up feeling better and entirely different. I started thinking of all the bad things that happened and realizing the good things that came out of it. Learned a few lessons:

1. Dating the married guy taught me -well, not to date a married guy ahhaha, and knowing your self - worth, and sticking to the standards you set yourself against. Ladies, let’s know how we should be treated. If the men around you think you deserve Jimmy Choo shoes then yes, you probably do ( even though you can’t bring yourself to wear $500 footsies cause a pair alone can send two kids to school ).If you don’t feed me or bring me home, then you’re crossed off my list…forever.

2. I also learned to enjoy friendships that have gone through the test of time - not everyone you grew up with would still love you in your late 20’s, so cherish the ones that never really left your side, they’re guaranteed to love you back no matter what.

3. Great dates can be great guy friends in any case you don’t work out as a couple. You somewhat connected, that’s already enough reason to still hang out from time to time. Besides…it’s good for the business…networking!!!

4. I learned never ever to talk too much in bed…If it’s not trash talk, then save it for after.

5. Don’t listen to Eric Benet’s Hurricane album on a really depressing day - makawasak buhay sya. 

6. Nothing is bad about yearning to earn so much more and giving your job a 110%. It feeds you after all…But depends on what kind of work you have - By this time, we should be in a place in our career where we can say : I Love my J-o-b!

7. Commitment doesn’t come by easy. It’s either you can or you can’t. It can not be forced and it shouldn’t be.

8. Being who you are is GREAT and AMAZING. Knowing what you want and insisting on a take me or fuck off policy, is the best way to go. I shall not bend…

9. Beer can decrease the intensity of any problem. PERIOD. And same goes for an hour on the threadmill.

10. Be friends with musicians and rockstars, they will keep you eternally young.

Best of all, I took the pressure of my shoulders. If there is such a thing as positive cynicism, this would have to be it - Start the day thinking you won’t meet Mr. Right today, or that you never will, so that when you do, it would be a really pleasant surprise.

So, peeps, i’ll see you at my party!!!!!

I found this website that’s like your modern day dictionary for urband world expressions - meaning to say "like now." And they were quite interesting, to say the least… Some of them I knew already, and a few seemed to be newbies to my ear…

a. Dry- humped: doing it with your clothes on. Like rubbing and spooning, only difference is your partner has a hard - on and your getting all slippery too…Hmmm…think about circumstances that can be a reason for not actually having sex, so it’s OUTERCOURSE….And if you agree to do this with a guy, does that count as allowing him to GET INTO YOUR PANTS???

b. Dick Flick: opposite of chick flick. Let’s take for example, THE ENTOURAGE…sorry, can’t seem to see the logic why guys treat this as a bible. And Vincent Shakes isn’t even that hot. I’d rather watch Van Damme or UFC.

c. Double True: it’s something that everyone agreed upon to be reall really factual…I like that…it’s a unanimous decision! So, did SO and SO have an affair??? THAT’S SO DOUBLE TRUE.

d. Youniverse :The entirety of creation that relates to one specific, narcissistic individual…Guilty as charged. I’m full of myself. hahaha

e. Frenemy : enemy pretending to be a friend. or is it the other way around??? When you get off on the wrong foot with someone, but eventually find him nice to hang out with, but to keep your pride you disguise yourself as still a hater…hehehe

f. Drunk Catcher : Anything that’s getting in the way of a drunk person. . . OK, pag lasing ako…TABI!!!!

g. Couching Distance : anything within distance of the couch …hehehe…guilty ulit…put me on my sofa in front of my tv…and that’s were I’ll stay…

Just some funny thoughts. . . Upcoming birthday is enticing me to be happy.

So, maybe the real question is how can we be truly happy??? That was our topic last Sunday. I excitedly met up with a girlfriend who I haven’t seen in more than two years and we ended up going to a bar where my favorite singer/bassist in the world was playing - who I also haven’t ran into for more than a decade.

I went to that gimmick with my nearing - 30 blues feeling heavy on my shoulders, and being as hopeless as I always am  ( the bright, shiny resolution didnt last ). I already acknowledge the duldrums of being single now, I don’t hide behind defense mechanisms. Dati pag tinanong ako " bakit wala kang boyfriend/asawa?" my blunt answer would be, complete with kilay 2000 "ok lang, mayaman naman ako eh." But now, I usually say that there’s just no one out there who wants to be in a relationship with me. And that particular Sunday, was one where I cried my eyes out at a spa, due to another failed dating expedition. I was sobbing because again I gave my best, and it just wasn’t enough. I was hurting because again I was told " I think you’re great" but…there’s always a but…never good enough to commit to? And my closest friends have been in relationships for so long, they don’t really know how it is to be out there at my age. . .At the same time being in the wedding industry doesn’t really help.

I bring my sorrows to the table, what a couple of Kurant 7s can do, and my two friends come up with their own woes. My girlfriend is in a relatinship with a guy she loves so much she can’t imagine being without him…but he hardly makes time for her. Sees her once in a blue moon and disappoints her most of the time. ( WAG KA MAGAGALIT HA PAG NABASA MO TO ). My guy friend, sees his boo on a daily basis, hangs with her, gives her what she wants hand and foot, and she doesn’t seem to be satisfied. ( Hmmm…opposite problems no? Maybe I should match make these two… You know who you are…are you game? ).

So, the question is, is it a better deal to go home alone at night and sleep worry free, than have someone beside you but be stressed all the time? And my answer is a resounding no.

Cheesy as it may sound, I would rather be fighting for this one thing I believe makes me delirious over the little deaths that singlehood brings - that eventually makes you jaded and immune, you forget how love is like. I haven’t had the real thing in more than two years. And I miss waking up knowing there is someone out there thinking about how my day is going to turn out, and falling asleep in someones arms that beats any bad day at work ( kahit gaano kaliit yung kama nyo). To quote Carol King: Same man you fight with over breakfast is the same man you’ll make love to tonight.

I’ve stopped believing that something great is coming its way, cause the one person that got me out of my cynicism, hurt me so deep that it made me question what I think I deserve. Maybe I’m aiming too high, maybe I’m just not meant to settle down like everyone else, maybe I’m meant to have cats instead of kids…

Over the last year, my Friendster account has been garnering an average of 600 plus views, majority of which have come to ogle or comment on my now infamous red bikini photo ( god, I’m so full of myself, har har har ). For the life of me, i don’t know why. It’s not my favorite picture of myself, and I wasn’t even aware when it was taken. So…I’d probably have to say thank you, testosterone controlled people of the world, for thinking otherwise.

At first, it was amusing, flattering even…but now it has proven to be the catalyst of unpleasant things that have come to pass re. Since you, my dear audience, claim that I’m "hot," then let’s just say, being hot is just not working out for me…Attracts the wrong crowd - from d.o.m.s to foreigners offering P5000 a date, to married men and lesbians who think I’m game, to single ones who pretend to look way past my cup size. I’m not saying there are a few exceptions who really wanna pick my brain, but they seem to be unbelievably rare…

I don’t want to change the way I carry myself, because I’m happy with the way I am. I just think I need to decrease the probability of having an a-hole in my life who shivers upon hearing the word commitment. So, goodbye to my photo, and hello private viewing.

I got stung…by Tori Amos that is. I’ve always liked her shivering delivery, and deeply emotional lyrics hidden behind playful rhythm and harmony. Take for example the song, " Sleeps with Butterflies." I liked the way it sounded but I became hooked when I dug up the words. . .

It felt like it was a song for women like me, who seem to be out there, searching for that person who would make you want to settle down and give up the "cosmo" lifestyle we all use as a defense mechanism for still being single. The song sort of narrates how we meet someone new, who for one night lead us to think that he could be the one. Then it moves on to that thrilling first kiss and a lot of other firsts…Which is followed by…floating in oblivion…not knowing what to do next…Why? Cause we are aware that the move is not for ours to take…Suddenly, after a round in the sack, we are the hunter and not the hunted…As Tori puts it: ARE YOU HAVING REGRETS ABOUT LAST NIGHT? The dreaded day after…when reality settles in…when he hasn’t called…or he has, but can only think about one thing he wants from you…

Further on to the chorus: You say the words, you know I will find you, Or if you need some time I don’t mind. I don’t hold on to the tail of your kite…Hmmm, when did the world change and men are the ones who need time? Time to give up all the fun and decide we are worth taking the serious plunge for? It seems that I’ve accepted this to be true, swallowed whole that I usually hope and think that every date would turn out to be that great thing waiting to happen…but I have to compromise. I have to act cool…I have to hide how I feel…Careful not to make anyone feel too wanted, enough to drive them away…

Maybe I’m in too much of a hurry. Maybe I should learn to take things slower than the usual pace I push my limits to. As she sings: I’m not like the girls that you’ve known, but I believe I’m worth coming home to.  Yeah…I’m not the usual Pinay who’s only goal in life is to get married and have kids…But it doesn’t mean I don’t want a family. I’m not your typical selosa, not the stereotype wife you bring home to your mom. For most parts, I’m the trophy that’s gets shown around a couple of dates, or the interesting conversation you sometimes need, or the provider of whatever need you may want at the moment…So, I am sleeping with butterflies…cause I let them grow their wings, in hopes that they would come flying back when they are the men I wanted them to be…But they never do.

Of the very few times I go on YM, I chanced upon a friend who was in distress. I said why and his answer was: I’m chasing after the difficult. And I asked for what reason? Because the difficult is the only thing that can make me happy. Of course, it’s obvious that the "difficult" equated to a person, someone he cared for deeply; and he was determined to bare his heart to. He also knew that by doing so, he could either gain or lose the person forever. But he was going to push on…simply because he was….sure. I envy people who are sure, the ones who dare to stick to a certainty that they have held to be the it all and be all of their lives.

This word, SURE, like the other infamous four letter word, has been badly overused, abused even, and misinterpreted in so many different ways. We substitute it for a simple YES, without thinking of the depth and gravity of what it really means. To say you are sure of something, is to state your conviction, that you truly believe in how you feel. To take a definite stand depicts so much bravery, I think. To allow an emotion to consume you, and let your life evolve around it, is heroism in itself.

I used to be that way - never caring about what other people will say, always the daredevil about my decisions. The old me had my heart hanging on my sleeve, going where my passion brings me, and sticking to it, choosing to hope that this will lead to a joyous ending, when it was doomed from the start. I was a firm believer that miracles happen daily, and that I, too, can have a fairy tale ending like most of the couples that parade in front of everyone professing their love and devotion. I remember having to hold my foot down that something great is coming its way to me. And I wonder when did I change? And why? Maybe because I took a lot of wrong turns…but if I think about it, I used to rise above those broken roads and just see them as detours to a smoother path ahead…Now, I avoid getting on the road at all…I’m just tired of getting a flat tire over and over again, and avoiding calling out for help. ( Just Like Spidey! ).

My risks these days are ever so calculated. I analyze details way too much, and I stop myself from being elated even if I should be, thinking that I might be alone in how I feel. I remember falling in love as a commitment that you can make with a snap of your fingers. But now, it’s a series of complicated moments that leave you uncomfortable and sometimes undeniably unhappy because of the lie you force yourself to swallow. While its true that by keeping your actions safe you prevented yourself from deeper pain, isn’t the uneasiness of "the what might have been" a harder toll to take when you wake up alone in bed? My beloved brother, Rhett, always says "Never die without a fight." And I admire him for the resolve to go on even if the battle was lost from the moment it started. Right now, I wish I can be sure about something as simple as wanting to be with someone. I dream of the day that I don’t prohibit myself from telling a person I miss him and I long to be with him because I’m no longer scared of being on a one - way street. . . I wish I could let myself be completely intoxicated. . .I wonder when will I ever sleep in peace with someone and not think if he’d still be there the next day. . .

Kuodos to you Noel…You got my support.