My Blog

I’m a whiner, self-confessed, shamelessly admitting it. I have a love-hate relationship with every job that I get into, and my honeymoon stages with my new occupation comes and goes every three months. Well, let’s face it - there is no such thing as a perfect office stint! There would always be "krung-krung" officemates, bitches on heels, pesky accounting folks who wouldnt give out the budget, tamad friends who eventually get you to "join them if you cant beat them," and those that are so overzealous it bugs the hell out of you. And like any other filipino these days, scared of going poor, I stick it out til I can hold the drama…or til a better offer comes along…. and most times, I choose to end it with a bang. …Well, youre going anyway, so why not be the best actress in the world?  What I’m driving at is if you’re itching to leave your seat this very moment, and is one SENT BUTTON away to resignation, think again! Better yet…take a trip to the mall! I promise you by the time you’re done, you would love your current winter cold seat inside the office…in other words…it can be so much worse…how so?

First stop: FX Driver - can you endure the varied odors surrounding you, and can you stand being stuck in traffic for like half of your day, it can be fatal, dude? and worse…pwede kang maholdap! Asawa mo lang ang swerte dito - remember, BASTA LOVER, SWEET LOVER! hehe…

On to the mall…GUARD - The only way I will agree to being a guard is if and when my one and only task is maging taga - kapkap ng boys as they cue up! Hell, what other job pays you to look hot in that uniform and touch cuties? pero napapansin nyo ba: bakit laging hindi pantay ang blush - on ng guard…And I swear a few years back…in megamall, I saw a lady guarding ( she was wearing a skirt), who had a full - grown mustache! natakot ako…hindi ako nagpakapkap!

Next…Cashier: My gulay this i have done and i will never do again…MATH. When I attempted this, ang pila sa store ay naging singhaba ng EDSA…

Saleslady / Salesman: Imagine catering to everyone’s pressing needs - from devils who wish to be in Prada, to shoppers who ask for a dozen things and not end up buying. Personally, I’m turned off by salespeople who dont do anything but chatter about and do nothing to help customers…But then again there is the annoying kind…Shangri-la na ha may infamous pa ring " Ate, pili na Ate…" hay.

Last but not the least, eto ang favorite ko sa lahat: SINGER SA WOW MAGIC SING. My friend goes: sarap nya no, kanta lang sya pagpasok! But think about it…I dont  think I can do that…Magvideoke sa mall, na may milyong milyong taong nakikinig ( na secretly minumura ka na), and isipin mo ang repertoire mo…Everyday gagawa ka ng selection good for 4- 6 hours…shocks! salabat everyday? It’s not as if the population will stop in admiration…pinoy pa - manglalait!

So, bago mo isiping magquit…punta kang megamall…It can be worse bebe…

Around three years ago, I was at this conference we were forced to attend for work. At the end of a really grueling day, all 40 something of us sat around a long table,waiting, for what seemed liked eternity, for dinner to get served. As hunger would usually drain out most humans, one of us seems to be the contrary. Itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang "Bebang"  wala lang trip ko lang yung name na yun. Bebang was one of the youngest in our brood, towering and slim, and was supposedly Binibining Eklavu of some region in the Philippines. She was busy yapping away while we, pitiful famished individuals tried hopelessly to absorb her story. Abby, my dear friend, seems to have gained a hearing defect in the process of kagutoman, and couldnt seem to grasp the tell tale. She goes " Bebang, ano ulit yun." And Bebang, in all her glory goes…"ano ka ba girl, ang SLOW mo naman!" Out of again, dehydration possibly, Abby just sighed and whispered in my ear " Hay naku mare, basta maganda…may krung krung.

For my audiences who aren’t familiar with the word, krung krung, it’s synonymous to may tiwang, sabit, aning aning, sablay, sira ulo pero slight lang, pyscho, may ompong, nagiinarte…Technically, I think, it is a noun. Pwedeng mag iba iba ng tense. pag sinasabeng "krinukrungkrung yan - may sumpong." or when you say " tigilan ang pagkakrungkrung, pasaway ka!- nagiinarte or nagtatangatangahan." So, it can be used in other ways. Use your creativity.

Ever since that day, that term has stuck to my vocabulary like glue, to the point that my little nephew sing songs " kuya krung krung " when his older brother throws fits. But of all the many uses weve had for it, fascinatingly my girlfirends and I seem to pertain krungkrung, to unbelievably beautiful women.

Exhibit A. Girlfriend who is crazy possesive, that he is not allowed to have friends or as the poor boyfriend terms it "I am the prisoner of azkhaban." Even his guy barkadas are not an exception to this rule. She is the rule of his kingdom, and you should see her make sumpong or krungkrungin. The kapapaphan naman has moved hell and high water to answer to her bidding.

Exhibit B. Ex - girlfriend of my ex who is still tracking me down, 3 years after our separation. To the extent of coming up to people she just met just to dig up dirt about moi. Extremely krung krung.

There are several cases of kakrungkrungan in extremely gorgeous women. I guess when you think you are the greatest of your kind, then you deserve nothing less than queen treatment and that eliminating the competition is of primary and utmost importance.

Kaya ang tanong is: Would you rather be classified as maganda if this means you will be stereotyped as krung krung? Or would you instead opt for a downplayed "cute" or "hot" pero normal ang hormonal level of thinking?

Think about it before you go get that liposuction…

Over quassi breakfast ( graveyard thingy - which actually happens when you wake up…say around 4pm ), me and my gal pal Bubbles a.k.a. Bianca, were discussing our girlie issues…in front of our macho gwapito of an officemate, Fluckie Duckie. ( ayus sa pangalan! he’s so gonna kill me ). But it wasn’t anything gross or ika nga, malayo sa matress ang usapan. We were talking about our breast issues, and boy I can tell you our friend was enjoying it, as our hand gestures included cupping our babies for a more in - depth discussion. ( Would it help if I said, we were both C cups?)

As most sleep deprived individuals have crazy crazy thoughts at this time of the day, I suddenly blurted out : "Ano kaya kung God made us na 3 ang boobs no? " Much laughter was followed by a comment that only a guy can make - "Ayus, one for each hand, and one still left for …hmmm…feeding  ( Big grin from ear to ear )"  Of course, hindi papatalo ang mga lola mo. Not that I thought it was unbelievably chauvinistic, cause we’re pretty open - minded about "tripling our pleasure points," but just to make it a fair game I said "eh what if kung yung inyo naging tatlo rin?" MOMENTS OF SILENCE AND CAREFUL IMAGINATION…" Hindi ba ok din, dude - One for the usual, One for the "job", and one for the "service" Was what I said. Fluckie basqued in the thought of finally being capable of having three freakin’ orgasms! Since we all know how unfair life is - in case you don’t know: men can only have 11 max in a day versus our glorious 52 times. Bubbles countered with "Kayanin mo kaya?Kulang tatlong Red Bull dun pare" Sabe ko nalang, "Eh what if you can’t use it all at the same time…you know…when one dies and so shall the other resurrect!"  Wow! My goodness…that is just too much work for us women or men…or whoever you’re with. ..It’s not exactly a money saver though, you’ll have three babies to satisfy and you’ll have expenses as rubber, baby, lubes if you REQUIRE them ( by the way, theres a new one that’s just fab, it heats up- enough said), and as Bubbles said: more energy drinks and probably a gym membership for endurance. Now, we did not even dare imagine what would happen if us women had 3 v’s instead of one….that’s a different blog all together…the possibilities.

Since we were on what if’s this mawnin, our last one went to the praying mantis theory. Animal Planet buffs unite! FYI, when this partivular insect mates, as the female is about to come undone, she bites off the head of the male…As if that wasn’t shocking enough, the poor decapitated guy WILL STILL GO AT IT! MEN. What if humans were made the same? Not that I want the male population to go extinct ( NONONONONONO!), but wouldn’t it be fun on our end to just have power over men? I mean, for once in history, our bed buddies would actually have a tinge of fear when they perform thinking: ONE: SH*T! Does she know that I’m cheating? this can be my death bed! TWO: Hell knows no fury til you’ve tasted the wrath of a woman." THREE: How is my performance? I better make it good…So she can save me for seconds." All so sudden, hitting the sack became a life and death situation. Not a bad idea if you ask me. hehe.

So, to sum it all up, we had a great barrel of laughs. What’s your craziest what if? Do tell…Do tell….

Internet and phone scandals are so in these days, that they actually don’t shock you anymore.  However, it is a different case all together when it happens in your own building, and when your an unknown, but willing, witness. hehehe.

Well, I didn’t really intend to. It happened as part of due process. I went home from a wedding and was humming to the door, dreaming of my usual Saturday night massage. I noticed that the door was half - locked , when I turned the key, and lo and behold, my laptop was a goner…nothing else was missing though…i did a quick runthrough, in order of importance : jewelry box - check, money - check, credit cards - check, vibrator and other toys - check, expensive underwear - check, even more expensive shoes - check. I breathed a sigh of relief - as long as my footsies were in place, I can lose everything else.

As part of the search for the missing item, yours truly was given a full screening of yesterday’s elevator surveillance tapes. And boy, was I glad I was watching tapes that didn’t include me! The monitor was divided into 4 frames, three of which representing an elevator, and one more for the swimming pool area - so beware night skinny dippers!

At first, my eyes were only keen at the sight of any familiar face that might have infiltrated my home. But after awhile, other observations hit me - that this thing was clear enough for the guard to see minute details, and when he chose to, he had the power to zoom in on lets say, your cleavage…Thankfully, our guard i think, was big on pretty faces and not on heavy chesties.

Next thing, I noticed was how diversified the races were that live here - united colors of benetton pala kame! From your favorite uncle sam with mimay looking pinays in their arms ( love you long time joe?), koreans and japanese who make out as soon as the doors close, and the chinese couple who always seems to be fighting ( maybe that was foreplay ). It was funny how some would be at it as soon as the doors close, and try to look decent when they suddenly open. Some had some passionate petting going on, while there were a few who squeezed each others butts, while standing at the back of a throng of people.  There was a couple standing across each other, staring as if they will tear off their clothes as soon as everyone else unloaded the lift.  And of course, there would always be the ones that just can’t finish the kissing session, as one steps out into a different floor from his partner….(hmmm i wonder if his wife knows… ) …

So, next time you get on a lift with your sweetie…or worse, get trapped in it with the hottie, take some time to think of the following: Is there a video cam somewhere? If there is, how much of a show are you willing to give the guard ( so - is the guard hot? huy may gwapong gwardya ha! ).  If you are willing, then think - what kinda underwear am i wearing today? if by any chance mr security is a techy, then surely your little tete-a-tete will make an online release - So, think about it this way - if you were going to get hit on the road with your skirt up, you’d rather make the news wearing sexy panties than a granny pair right? Kung nagbe-bacon panty mo, DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! Next, is this guy cute enough to have your national porn debut with? Or tama lang ba ang kagwapuhan nya compared sa you? in other words, is he in your league? I mean you wouldn’t want people to think - Shit! pinatulan nya yun!?! yuck! Kaya kung mejo alanganin ang match up nyo - let’s say you’re 4′11 and cute, and he’s 6-2 and 300 lbs - A. Kita ka pa kaya sa screen? or B. Kasya ba kayo sa elevator in the first place? While you’re at it, isipin mo na rin kung maliit lang ba bilbil mo today…Pero ok rin, baka makarating kay Vicky Belo, and she just might offer to sponsor your lypo. And last but not the least, Ang performance mo ba ay pang - scandal…I once watched one wherein the guy did not let go of his freaking umbrella the whole time they screwed…darn, pare, no offense, pero bumbay ka ba? bat ayaw mo bitawan yan? So, I suppose, its a requirement. If you dont have an umbrella in the way, its not a scandal…

So, para sa mga kapatid kong mahilig gumawa ng milagro sa small, seemingly private corners of the world, beware! there might be a hidden eye somewhere.

The gorgeous ladies of Sex and the City called it "The Bunny" , nicknamed after the said to be the biggest nymphos of the animal kingdom. ( I once bought a pair of rabbits, they grew to two dozen in a span of 3 months - they just don’t have anything else to do! good thing humans are not built that way. Hence the expression - F!#k like bunnies..).

Yes, I am talking about a vibrator. And why? Because for the second year in a row, I got one for a gift on my birthday. Both of which coming from really good friends of mine, who both claim to be gurus in the ways of the sack. And my first reaction was, what makes you think I need one? Do I look dried out already? (Mukha na ba kong tigang?) If that is the case, then houston, we’ve got a problem! Ilang baldeng moisturizer kaya ang kailangan ko to achieve the unbeatable " i just had a quickie on the balcony with a darn good looking stranger afterglow?"

But looking more closely into the said "machine" it made me wonder how in the world are these things made? What constitutes the makings of a vibe? I could imagine a pack of unbelievably hot ex-whores doing a focus group discussion as to what shape, size and grind makes for an effective baby. Is there an industry standard to these things or is innovation the key to success? Sort of the cellphone, naoobsolete ba ang isang feature? Next time kaya may blue tooth na to para added sensation pag naka-on ang phone mo? And then I would think they have a Quality Assurance Team. And they would have product testings and then give reccomendations on how to improve it before releasing into the market. Finally, a mamasan would give the final verdict on which one is good enough for mass consumption! " Kulang ito sa giling, wag yan."

I experienced going into a toy shop last year with a friend and we asked the owner which one would be the best of the lot that they sold - and she goes, this refrigeratable and fiber glass one. And we both asked her why ( with the most clueless faces you could ever imagine ). Her answer was ( did I mention she was a really sultry lesbian? ) " Well, have you ever had anything so hard, yet so cold inside of you? then you turn it on and slowly it grows hot and warm while it vibes?" After some on -the-spot cold sweat, my friend goes " I’ll take two of those." And that’s how I landed my first bunny…and mind you, it lived up to our every expectation.

This year, my "sweets" wrapped it up in so much newspaper I couldn’t figure out what it was. The card said " Use it wisely." What in the world could he mean by that ??? Is there any other way than the conventional one? Hmmm…Maybe I’m getting rusty on my creativity…

So, people take a vote! If someone gave you a vibe, how would you take it? Would you be offended - (hey I don’t mind if you perceive me as someone who wants one, theyre darn expensive!)? Would you be ecstatic? ( yes! finally — I have needs, screw the means) Would you be shocked beyond words? ( Is this the way to lose my cherry? ). Or would you be bewildered?

My take is, while it can never match the screaming, the scratching, the actual pinning against the wall experience, the rip off my clothing…and of course the cuddling afterwards….It can get you through this disastrous bed weather, instead of getting it on with someone who you would frown at the following morning when you wake up! And go " What in the blue F%^K WAS I THINKING!" Hormones my dear….hormones….

Think about it will yah?