My Blog

Hmmm…You boys can argue with me all you want, and should you want to prove me wrong…well you better fall in line…Cause these things certainly top my list, over and above your self - proclaimed promised nirvana: ( note - majority are edible ).

1. The freakin PANIZZA, found at the heart of Clark - C Italian Restaurant gives you an uber - thin pizza with 5 layers of cheese and bacon, topped with arugula and basil sprouts, rolled and dipped in parmesan and olive oil…It was like sinking my teeth into a piece of heaven.

2. The Deep Tissue Massage courtesy of the Spa. I’m a bit of a masukista and when they say "hard," this re-defines that word. After a week of stressful running around, this bone breaking treatment could be orgasmic.

3. The Native Tsokolate at Sanctuario, Tagaytay. For those of you who haven’t discovered this little haven that combines art and cuisine and the serenity of looking at a fantastic view of Taal….you are missing a lot. Same said for their infamous Bulalo Pasta.

4. The Beach at Daybreak. Love the quiet, the tranquility, the no one in the world is going to bother me here…Balai Resort, Laiya. Ecstatic over the food, euphoric about the silence. ( babaw ko no???).

5. Nothing beats a good work - out on the dance floor, with my best girlfriend - making all the men around us drool. And not caring what the world thinks…just moving and feeling like I’m the sexiest creature made by God.

6. A Crunch Bar - no Caramel. Good ole blue label can make my day, any day. Kuodos to Lord Stowe’s Egg Tart…Yum Yum. Cravings’ blueberry cheesecake…Eurobake’s Inipit, AND ALEX FRANCO’S WEDDING CAKE. .. ay i forget - Shangri-la’s Chocolate Fountain.

7. A Day with the Kids. I’ll trade any date for a fun day with my nephews and new niece. They’re just sure - fire stress stoppers.

8. A Shower on a Summer Day - Most especially when you came from a long long trip, and you get the first glimpse of your hotel room. A good 30 minutes in a bath with an overhead shower blowing out hot then finishing cold is just exhiliriating.

9. First Kiss. Knowing that he likes you back as much as you like him. Well, some turn out for the worse…but what the heck…You must rememberthis, a kiss is still a kiss…

10. FINALLY….THE SMOKING AFTER THE SEX. SELF EXPLANATORY. And going out, getting drunk, and knowing all along you are going home together, sleeping together, and waking up together.

Hay…I’m getting mushy…

After three trips to my neighborhood muslim, I finally landed a working, all english copy of the movie, " The Holiday." ( Imagine, the first one suddenly turned into a french film, and the later into russian, i think ). And I would like to say my efforts were very well rewarded, and I say this as a very subjective comment. The movie isn’t blockbuster quality, or an award-winning contender, it was just that I identified so much with the character of Amanda.

The uber - hip Cameron Diaz plays an uptight Amanda who seems to have blanketed herself and her heart with the LA lifestlye we all so desire - beautiful house, successful business ventures, chic clothes…and …a cheating boyfriend that always comes along with the package. I loved how ambitious she was and how agressive. I remember my first boss saying " We like you Nina. Because you know what we want, and you always get it for us." (Which is the reason why I’m a bitch on heels, and often the monster talked about in any office I run). And like Amanda, I can’t stand not working, I don’t know my neighbors, and I can’t cry…That’s right. I haven’t shed a single tear in the span of almost a year. I know this isn’t a breakthrough, but even i wonder at times, why I can’t seem to be hurt enough or feel overwhelmingly affected to bawl.

In high School, I was the type that didn’t get sentimental during spiritual retreats. "Nasa talampakan daw ang luha ko." I was never the red - eyed one. I guess growing up deciding for yourself, in a seriously dysfnctional environment, hardened me - pushed me to look for solutions, and never focus on the problem. According to my mom, the only time they ever saw me cry, is if they get me angry enough.

As an adult, love proved to be the onion, the kryptonite. My relationships always end in tears. But like I always say, this is what time has turned me into - take me or leave me. Eversince I’ve moved on from my  last ex, almost nothing ever gets to me; or I brush it off and move on to the next predator.

In the movie, Amanda’s parents’ divorce turned her into Ice Queen. She would shout and squint and internalize…but nothing. ..Zero liquid. And everyone knows how unnatural that feels for women, not to get to the core of how you feel. Like her, I’ve been fearing the explosion of emotions that was just waiting like a volcanic erruption. I wanted to cry over my failed semi - relationships, but my eyes remained in drought…My friend said, "it will come when you least expect it, like while a mushy song plays when youre in a cab."

True enough, as I was standing in line to pay for my groceries, the moment finally came, and I couldn’t hold them back. And I cried as i paid, as i left the counter, as i hailed the taxi, and moreso when I got to my flat.

And at the end of a two hour marathon and three boxes of Kleenex, I lit my ziggie, stood in the balcony, and smiled. Whew…I finally truly CRIED. And all though the wealth of hurt and pain came rushing in like a flashback of my last two years of bad decisions and worsening luck, I still felt a wave of relief. That I could let go of those complications, of those injustices, of the memories I so tried to push away. And it suddenly became a clear, clear day.

Amanda, at the end of the flick, cried cause she couldn’t leave Gram behind. I bawled due to reasons that are totally contradictory to hers - because I was once again, genuinely alone and this time, more hopeless than ever.

I was watching the season 3 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, and something struck me as odd…unbelievably different…My favorite character, Meredith, has gone happy…And resolves to be "Bright and Shiny."  As in drug - happy. Crap. I’ve lost an ally.

But I can’t blame her. If I had a Mc Dreamy to share the tub with daily, I’d probably be smiling, too. It kinda reminds you of a really good morning, the kind that only a night of love making brings, and waking up in the warmth of someone’s arms ( better have the AC on, summer na! ). It’s the infamous "after glow." The one that makes your whole office gossip why you wake up on the right side of the bed for a change. When I was younger, we had a married couple for bosses. And when they were nice, we’d automatically assume someone got laid. And when our bonuses would get approved, someone got a dozen orgasms…give and take.

I miss that feeling. And I envy fictional Meredith for all she stands for. In a world with an overcrowded poplulation, the thought that a single person is out there thinking of you already deserves a smile. And isn’t it an overwhelming state to be in? You know - being cheery and positive the whole day, like nothing can bring you down, and every little happening is met with laughter?

A friend asked me today how I define the word LOVE. He sees it as the undesiring, almost lustless kind. In his exact words, " When I look at her, I know I’m home." I view it as the feeling that keeps you going, makes you strive to be a better person and lover, but at the same time thankful that you are wanted just the way you are. I view it not as the giddyness that consumes you day and night, rather the instant peace that fills you when you see him. I see it as the unending search and eagerness to take care of this person, and to make sure I look like the same woman he fell for years ago…or improved even.

The bigger question now, is that if I believe there is that person out there for me? I don’t really know if I do. Or maybe I don’t want to hope or assume that there is, cause he’s nowhere near at this point, and accepting that there is none versus waiting and wishing is an easier route.

I can’t fake a real smile the same way I can’t pretend to have had a mind blowing orgasm ( well, at least i can’t ); no matter how hard I try. I’m too readable. My face and my eyes say it all. And I’m too tired to dream that something is going great when it’s actually set for failure from the beginning. I’m too old for that, I think.

But I at least have to try to smile, it decreases the occurence of wrinkles, or so they say. I have to force myself to be hopeful. I have to think that like Meredith, I stand a chance to get a Mac Dreamy or a Scoffield or a Dexter. And never ever settle for a George just to pass the night.

My closest of friends tell me that I have a thing for complicated men. Do I really??? It’s 7am and my brain is ticking from a night of "meaningful" conversation with someone who’s complicated himself. I’m smoking and on lots of caffeine and for once in a long long time, writing about a serious topic.

I analyze this seemingly comdemning acusation and think of the truths that support it. What do they mean by complicated anyway? I look at my colorful past and with complicated would they mean the cheating exes that I had? The ones with anger management or depression problems?The taken that are simply passing limbo with me? Or those that are as broken as I am and don’t know what they want? I wonder. So am I attracted to the challenge of luring, loving and understanding these difficult men in seemingly hopeless situations? Do I have a messainic complex, thinking that I can save them? And when they leave, do they drain me dry of my hopes and positivity and leave me numb…negative…?

The other question in my head is the contradictory of complicated. Is simple defined as someone completely single who would fall in love with me and follow me around like a sick puppy?Honestly….if that’s what I’m missing, then that’s not my cup of tea. No thanks, next please.

Is it also possible that it’s the other way around? That I attract complicated men only? I bring out my list ( aamin na ko, meron nga! ), and most of them are leaning towards the uncomplicated. Hindi ko nga lang sila gusto. Labo. So as my friend says, if you don’t like the people on your list, then the list does not exist.

Sige na nga, guilty as charged. But let me try to justify this "preferrence". I like men with substance. May sustansya kausap. That’s the reason why I don’t want to do date younger than 30. The 20 somethings just don’t seem to get me. And as luck would have it in the Philippines, there are hardly any single men in that age group. And if there are, there’s a big chance there’s something wrong with them or they have only one "capability" to brag about and they seem to be thinking with one body part alone. I’m also very determined, very career - oriented, and very busy. Most of the men who actually make time for me, are the ones who can afford to. Meaning they have their own business, own their time and don’t mind waking up for a breakfast date. Again, that translates to older men. Older also means more grounded. Shock - proof if possible and hardly has time to feel insecure. I’ve been through so much crap that it would drive the typical yuppy crying back to mommy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure my girlfriends are shaking their heads while theyre reading this…thinking I’m desperately hopeless. I’m trying to change my luck, and so far, the attempt to like the "nice" ones have resulted to being with someone who lied about being married, or losing a really great guy friend, and finding someone who seems to be as stained as I am. In the end, they all just got ruled out as complicated anyway. . .

Corrine Bailey Rae…Blowing Me Away…

"Like A Star"

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I’ll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Honour to love you

Still i wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

You’ve got this look i can’t describe,
You make me feel like I’m alive,
When everything else is au fait,
Without a doubt you’re on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can’t find the words to write this song,
Oh.,..
Your love,

Still i wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It’s not a secret anymore,
’cause we’ve been through that before,
From tonight I know that you’re the only one,
I’ve been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
To anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I’ll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands

So often do we hear "What are you wearing right now?" when we watch movies - in a hushed bedroom voice, and we all get so excited cause we know that the scenes about to get hot, hot, hot! ( no man to man for me though! ).

But in real life, do people actually deliver steamy lines like this? I’m sure you’re all nodding out there. It might come in different mediums - a text from your hubby on his way home, a colorfully fonted italicized ym from your cyber chat mate, or a whisper in your ear while dancing in a club that basically translates to - What underwear do you have on? Thus begins the foreplay.

The bigger question is, what in the blue fcuk is the proper answer to that? Would it be:

a. A LIE - too ashamed to say " I have granny panties the size of Arizona, it runs up to my breasts…OR too timid to say " I don’t have any. . ." ( di ko kaya yan, ayoko kabagin.)

b. THE TRUTH - with much confidence, regardless of unwanted holes and contour bones - "ahhhhh …nakagirdle ako eh." Or if you were me today, it would be a cotton pair with lace edges. . . ( sorry if i destroyed your fantasy - honestly do you expect me to wear thongs everyday? pag madali maginit ulo ko, yun ang suot ko malamang - yun tipong "Nina, peram ng stapler" sisigawan kita ng "WALA!!!!" rinig sa kabilang building).

c. A SMILE - kung text or chat - I would probably go :-). with a "wink." And if we were grinding against each other after 5 bottles of beer, it would probably be running your hand over my buns - you be the judge what it is. . . or if theres any. . .

A friend said that "sexiness" isn’t purely physical, it’s what a woman brings to the table to keep everything on an all time spice high…It’s what keeps a man itching to bring you home even after five years of exclusive dating. And this goes both ways. My dear men, let’s all try to keep it clean and stay away from the manong - looking shirts. . . And throw away those bacon edged briefs ( yung tipong nanay mo pa bumili! - isipin mo to, if you die in your sleep due to a plane crashing on your house at ma - TV ka, anung suot mo??? Mossimos are preferred - ultimate in comfort and style. )

A little creativity doesn’t hurt anyone. Whether its a short, steamy note left beside your coffee mug, or a surprise brutal attack revealing crotchless undies when you get into the car, or footsie under the table while dining with friends, or a simple smile…just one look…one seemingly insipid moment that only the two of you shared…or an intellectually orgasmic argument that turns into heated anticipation…a bottle of Jagger and mentholated oil ( wink wink). . .or two glasses of water, go hot, go cold . . .

Recently, someone asked me what my greatest fantasy is and my answer was I don’t have one…I’d rather be caught unarmed. . . Rather be kept guessing. . . Rather be amzingly dumbfounded that we had the same thoughts all night. . .

Like my friend sings daily…LET’S GET IT ON. . . So next time you go out, make sure you’re singing Slow Jamz on the way home…( marvin gaye,some luther vandross, a little anita…well well well well ). . .