My Blog

So, maybe the real question is how can we be truly happy??? That was our topic last Sunday. I excitedly met up with a girlfriend who I haven’t seen in more than two years and we ended up going to a bar where my favorite singer/bassist in the world was playing - who I also haven’t ran into for more than a decade.

I went to that gimmick with my nearing - 30 blues feeling heavy on my shoulders, and being as hopeless as I always am  ( the bright, shiny resolution didnt last ). I already acknowledge the duldrums of being single now, I don’t hide behind defense mechanisms. Dati pag tinanong ako " bakit wala kang boyfriend/asawa?" my blunt answer would be, complete with kilay 2000 "ok lang, mayaman naman ako eh." But now, I usually say that there’s just no one out there who wants to be in a relationship with me. And that particular Sunday, was one where I cried my eyes out at a spa, due to another failed dating expedition. I was sobbing because again I gave my best, and it just wasn’t enough. I was hurting because again I was told " I think you’re great" but…there’s always a but…never good enough to commit to? And my closest friends have been in relationships for so long, they don’t really know how it is to be out there at my age. . .At the same time being in the wedding industry doesn’t really help.

I bring my sorrows to the table, what a couple of Kurant 7s can do, and my two friends come up with their own woes. My girlfriend is in a relatinship with a guy she loves so much she can’t imagine being without him…but he hardly makes time for her. Sees her once in a blue moon and disappoints her most of the time. ( WAG KA MAGAGALIT HA PAG NABASA MO TO ). My guy friend, sees his boo on a daily basis, hangs with her, gives her what she wants hand and foot, and she doesn’t seem to be satisfied. ( Hmmm…opposite problems no? Maybe I should match make these two… You know who you are…are you game? ).

So, the question is, is it a better deal to go home alone at night and sleep worry free, than have someone beside you but be stressed all the time? And my answer is a resounding no.

Cheesy as it may sound, I would rather be fighting for this one thing I believe makes me delirious over the little deaths that singlehood brings - that eventually makes you jaded and immune, you forget how love is like. I haven’t had the real thing in more than two years. And I miss waking up knowing there is someone out there thinking about how my day is going to turn out, and falling asleep in someones arms that beats any bad day at work ( kahit gaano kaliit yung kama nyo). To quote Carol King: Same man you fight with over breakfast is the same man you’ll make love to tonight.

I’ve stopped believing that something great is coming its way, cause the one person that got me out of my cynicism, hurt me so deep that it made me question what I think I deserve. Maybe I’m aiming too high, maybe I’m just not meant to settle down like everyone else, maybe I’m meant to have cats instead of kids…

Over the last year, my Friendster account has been garnering an average of 600 plus views, majority of which have come to ogle or comment on my now infamous red bikini photo ( god, I’m so full of myself, har har har ). For the life of me, i don’t know why. It’s not my favorite picture of myself, and I wasn’t even aware when it was taken. So…I’d probably have to say thank you, testosterone controlled people of the world, for thinking otherwise.

At first, it was amusing, flattering even…but now it has proven to be the catalyst of unpleasant things that have come to pass re. Since you, my dear audience, claim that I’m "hot," then let’s just say, being hot is just not working out for me…Attracts the wrong crowd - from d.o.m.s to foreigners offering P5000 a date, to married men and lesbians who think I’m game, to single ones who pretend to look way past my cup size. I’m not saying there are a few exceptions who really wanna pick my brain, but they seem to be unbelievably rare…

I don’t want to change the way I carry myself, because I’m happy with the way I am. I just think I need to decrease the probability of having an a-hole in my life who shivers upon hearing the word commitment. So, goodbye to my photo, and hello private viewing.

I got stung…by Tori Amos that is. I’ve always liked her shivering delivery, and deeply emotional lyrics hidden behind playful rhythm and harmony. Take for example the song, " Sleeps with Butterflies." I liked the way it sounded but I became hooked when I dug up the words. . .

It felt like it was a song for women like me, who seem to be out there, searching for that person who would make you want to settle down and give up the "cosmo" lifestyle we all use as a defense mechanism for still being single. The song sort of narrates how we meet someone new, who for one night lead us to think that he could be the one. Then it moves on to that thrilling first kiss and a lot of other firsts…Which is followed by…floating in oblivion…not knowing what to do next…Why? Cause we are aware that the move is not for ours to take…Suddenly, after a round in the sack, we are the hunter and not the hunted…As Tori puts it: ARE YOU HAVING REGRETS ABOUT LAST NIGHT? The dreaded day after…when reality settles in…when he hasn’t called…or he has, but can only think about one thing he wants from you…

Further on to the chorus: You say the words, you know I will find you, Or if you need some time I don’t mind. I don’t hold on to the tail of your kite…Hmmm, when did the world change and men are the ones who need time? Time to give up all the fun and decide we are worth taking the serious plunge for? It seems that I’ve accepted this to be true, swallowed whole that I usually hope and think that every date would turn out to be that great thing waiting to happen…but I have to compromise. I have to act cool…I have to hide how I feel…Careful not to make anyone feel too wanted, enough to drive them away…

Maybe I’m in too much of a hurry. Maybe I should learn to take things slower than the usual pace I push my limits to. As she sings: I’m not like the girls that you’ve known, but I believe I’m worth coming home to.  Yeah…I’m not the usual Pinay who’s only goal in life is to get married and have kids…But it doesn’t mean I don’t want a family. I’m not your typical selosa, not the stereotype wife you bring home to your mom. For most parts, I’m the trophy that’s gets shown around a couple of dates, or the interesting conversation you sometimes need, or the provider of whatever need you may want at the moment…So, I am sleeping with butterflies…cause I let them grow their wings, in hopes that they would come flying back when they are the men I wanted them to be…But they never do.

Of the very few times I go on YM, I chanced upon a friend who was in distress. I said why and his answer was: I’m chasing after the difficult. And I asked for what reason? Because the difficult is the only thing that can make me happy. Of course, it’s obvious that the "difficult" equated to a person, someone he cared for deeply; and he was determined to bare his heart to. He also knew that by doing so, he could either gain or lose the person forever. But he was going to push on…simply because he was….sure. I envy people who are sure, the ones who dare to stick to a certainty that they have held to be the it all and be all of their lives.

This word, SURE, like the other infamous four letter word, has been badly overused, abused even, and misinterpreted in so many different ways. We substitute it for a simple YES, without thinking of the depth and gravity of what it really means. To say you are sure of something, is to state your conviction, that you truly believe in how you feel. To take a definite stand depicts so much bravery, I think. To allow an emotion to consume you, and let your life evolve around it, is heroism in itself.

I used to be that way - never caring about what other people will say, always the daredevil about my decisions. The old me had my heart hanging on my sleeve, going where my passion brings me, and sticking to it, choosing to hope that this will lead to a joyous ending, when it was doomed from the start. I was a firm believer that miracles happen daily, and that I, too, can have a fairy tale ending like most of the couples that parade in front of everyone professing their love and devotion. I remember having to hold my foot down that something great is coming its way to me. And I wonder when did I change? And why? Maybe because I took a lot of wrong turns…but if I think about it, I used to rise above those broken roads and just see them as detours to a smoother path ahead…Now, I avoid getting on the road at all…I’m just tired of getting a flat tire over and over again, and avoiding calling out for help. ( Just Like Spidey! ).

My risks these days are ever so calculated. I analyze details way too much, and I stop myself from being elated even if I should be, thinking that I might be alone in how I feel. I remember falling in love as a commitment that you can make with a snap of your fingers. But now, it’s a series of complicated moments that leave you uncomfortable and sometimes undeniably unhappy because of the lie you force yourself to swallow. While its true that by keeping your actions safe you prevented yourself from deeper pain, isn’t the uneasiness of "the what might have been" a harder toll to take when you wake up alone in bed? My beloved brother, Rhett, always says "Never die without a fight." And I admire him for the resolve to go on even if the battle was lost from the moment it started. Right now, I wish I can be sure about something as simple as wanting to be with someone. I dream of the day that I don’t prohibit myself from telling a person I miss him and I long to be with him because I’m no longer scared of being on a one - way street. . . I wish I could let myself be completely intoxicated. . .I wonder when will I ever sleep in peace with someone and not think if he’d still be there the next day. . .

Kuodos to you Noel…You got my support.