My Blog

Of the very few times I go on YM, I chanced upon a friend who was in distress. I said why and his answer was: I’m chasing after the difficult. And I asked for what reason? Because the difficult is the only thing that can make me happy. Of course, it’s obvious that the "difficult" equated to a person, someone he cared for deeply; and he was determined to bare his heart to. He also knew that by doing so, he could either gain or lose the person forever. But he was going to push on…simply because he was….sure. I envy people who are sure, the ones who dare to stick to a certainty that they have held to be the it all and be all of their lives.

This word, SURE, like the other infamous four letter word, has been badly overused, abused even, and misinterpreted in so many different ways. We substitute it for a simple YES, without thinking of the depth and gravity of what it really means. To say you are sure of something, is to state your conviction, that you truly believe in how you feel. To take a definite stand depicts so much bravery, I think. To allow an emotion to consume you, and let your life evolve around it, is heroism in itself.

I used to be that way - never caring about what other people will say, always the daredevil about my decisions. The old me had my heart hanging on my sleeve, going where my passion brings me, and sticking to it, choosing to hope that this will lead to a joyous ending, when it was doomed from the start. I was a firm believer that miracles happen daily, and that I, too, can have a fairy tale ending like most of the couples that parade in front of everyone professing their love and devotion. I remember having to hold my foot down that something great is coming its way to me. And I wonder when did I change? And why? Maybe because I took a lot of wrong turns…but if I think about it, I used to rise above those broken roads and just see them as detours to a smoother path ahead…Now, I avoid getting on the road at all…I’m just tired of getting a flat tire over and over again, and avoiding calling out for help. ( Just Like Spidey! ).

My risks these days are ever so calculated. I analyze details way too much, and I stop myself from being elated even if I should be, thinking that I might be alone in how I feel. I remember falling in love as a commitment that you can make with a snap of your fingers. But now, it’s a series of complicated moments that leave you uncomfortable and sometimes undeniably unhappy because of the lie you force yourself to swallow. While its true that by keeping your actions safe you prevented yourself from deeper pain, isn’t the uneasiness of "the what might have been" a harder toll to take when you wake up alone in bed? My beloved brother, Rhett, always says "Never die without a fight." And I admire him for the resolve to go on even if the battle was lost from the moment it started. Right now, I wish I can be sure about something as simple as wanting to be with someone. I dream of the day that I don’t prohibit myself from telling a person I miss him and I long to be with him because I’m no longer scared of being on a one - way street. . . I wish I could let myself be completely intoxicated. . .I wonder when will I ever sleep in peace with someone and not think if he’d still be there the next day. . .

Kuodos to you Noel…You got my support.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 3rd, 2007 at 11:05 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.