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Hmmm…You boys can argue with me all you want, and should you want to prove me wrong…well you better fall in line…Cause these things certainly top my list, over and above your self - proclaimed promised nirvana: ( note - majority are edible ).

1. The freakin PANIZZA, found at the heart of Clark - C Italian Restaurant gives you an uber - thin pizza with 5 layers of cheese and bacon, topped with arugula and basil sprouts, rolled and dipped in parmesan and olive oil…It was like sinking my teeth into a piece of heaven.

2. The Deep Tissue Massage courtesy of the Spa. I’m a bit of a masukista and when they say "hard," this re-defines that word. After a week of stressful running around, this bone breaking treatment could be orgasmic.

3. The Native Tsokolate at Sanctuario, Tagaytay. For those of you who haven’t discovered this little haven that combines art and cuisine and the serenity of looking at a fantastic view of Taal….you are missing a lot. Same said for their infamous Bulalo Pasta.

4. The Beach at Daybreak. Love the quiet, the tranquility, the no one in the world is going to bother me here…Balai Resort, Laiya. Ecstatic over the food, euphoric about the silence. ( babaw ko no???).

5. Nothing beats a good work - out on the dance floor, with my best girlfriend - making all the men around us drool. And not caring what the world thinks…just moving and feeling like I’m the sexiest creature made by God.

6. A Crunch Bar - no Caramel. Good ole blue label can make my day, any day. Kuodos to Lord Stowe’s Egg Tart…Yum Yum. Cravings’ blueberry cheesecake…Eurobake’s Inipit, AND ALEX FRANCO’S WEDDING CAKE. .. ay i forget - Shangri-la’s Chocolate Fountain.

7. A Day with the Kids. I’ll trade any date for a fun day with my nephews and new niece. They’re just sure - fire stress stoppers.

8. A Shower on a Summer Day - Most especially when you came from a long long trip, and you get the first glimpse of your hotel room. A good 30 minutes in a bath with an overhead shower blowing out hot then finishing cold is just exhiliriating.

9. First Kiss. Knowing that he likes you back as much as you like him. Well, some turn out for the worse…but what the heck…You must rememberthis, a kiss is still a kiss…

10. FINALLY….THE SMOKING AFTER THE SEX. SELF EXPLANATORY. And going out, getting drunk, and knowing all along you are going home together, sleeping together, and waking up together.

Hay…I’m getting mushy…

After three trips to my neighborhood muslim, I finally landed a working, all english copy of the movie, " The Holiday." ( Imagine, the first one suddenly turned into a french film, and the later into russian, i think ). And I would like to say my efforts were very well rewarded, and I say this as a very subjective comment. The movie isn’t blockbuster quality, or an award-winning contender, it was just that I identified so much with the character of Amanda.

The uber - hip Cameron Diaz plays an uptight Amanda who seems to have blanketed herself and her heart with the LA lifestlye we all so desire - beautiful house, successful business ventures, chic clothes…and …a cheating boyfriend that always comes along with the package. I loved how ambitious she was and how agressive. I remember my first boss saying " We like you Nina. Because you know what we want, and you always get it for us." (Which is the reason why I’m a bitch on heels, and often the monster talked about in any office I run). And like Amanda, I can’t stand not working, I don’t know my neighbors, and I can’t cry…That’s right. I haven’t shed a single tear in the span of almost a year. I know this isn’t a breakthrough, but even i wonder at times, why I can’t seem to be hurt enough or feel overwhelmingly affected to bawl.

In high School, I was the type that didn’t get sentimental during spiritual retreats. "Nasa talampakan daw ang luha ko." I was never the red - eyed one. I guess growing up deciding for yourself, in a seriously dysfnctional environment, hardened me - pushed me to look for solutions, and never focus on the problem. According to my mom, the only time they ever saw me cry, is if they get me angry enough.

As an adult, love proved to be the onion, the kryptonite. My relationships always end in tears. But like I always say, this is what time has turned me into - take me or leave me. Eversince I’ve moved on from my  last ex, almost nothing ever gets to me; or I brush it off and move on to the next predator.

In the movie, Amanda’s parents’ divorce turned her into Ice Queen. She would shout and squint and internalize…but nothing. ..Zero liquid. And everyone knows how unnatural that feels for women, not to get to the core of how you feel. Like her, I’ve been fearing the explosion of emotions that was just waiting like a volcanic erruption. I wanted to cry over my failed semi - relationships, but my eyes remained in drought…My friend said, "it will come when you least expect it, like while a mushy song plays when youre in a cab."

True enough, as I was standing in line to pay for my groceries, the moment finally came, and I couldn’t hold them back. And I cried as i paid, as i left the counter, as i hailed the taxi, and moreso when I got to my flat.

And at the end of a two hour marathon and three boxes of Kleenex, I lit my ziggie, stood in the balcony, and smiled. Whew…I finally truly CRIED. And all though the wealth of hurt and pain came rushing in like a flashback of my last two years of bad decisions and worsening luck, I still felt a wave of relief. That I could let go of those complications, of those injustices, of the memories I so tried to push away. And it suddenly became a clear, clear day.

Amanda, at the end of the flick, cried cause she couldn’t leave Gram behind. I bawled due to reasons that are totally contradictory to hers - because I was once again, genuinely alone and this time, more hopeless than ever.

I was watching the season 3 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, and something struck me as odd…unbelievably different…My favorite character, Meredith, has gone happy…And resolves to be "Bright and Shiny."  As in drug - happy. Crap. I’ve lost an ally.

But I can’t blame her. If I had a Mc Dreamy to share the tub with daily, I’d probably be smiling, too. It kinda reminds you of a really good morning, the kind that only a night of love making brings, and waking up in the warmth of someone’s arms ( better have the AC on, summer na! ). It’s the infamous "after glow." The one that makes your whole office gossip why you wake up on the right side of the bed for a change. When I was younger, we had a married couple for bosses. And when they were nice, we’d automatically assume someone got laid. And when our bonuses would get approved, someone got a dozen orgasms…give and take.

I miss that feeling. And I envy fictional Meredith for all she stands for. In a world with an overcrowded poplulation, the thought that a single person is out there thinking of you already deserves a smile. And isn’t it an overwhelming state to be in? You know - being cheery and positive the whole day, like nothing can bring you down, and every little happening is met with laughter?

A friend asked me today how I define the word LOVE. He sees it as the undesiring, almost lustless kind. In his exact words, " When I look at her, I know I’m home." I view it as the feeling that keeps you going, makes you strive to be a better person and lover, but at the same time thankful that you are wanted just the way you are. I view it not as the giddyness that consumes you day and night, rather the instant peace that fills you when you see him. I see it as the unending search and eagerness to take care of this person, and to make sure I look like the same woman he fell for years ago…or improved even.

The bigger question now, is that if I believe there is that person out there for me? I don’t really know if I do. Or maybe I don’t want to hope or assume that there is, cause he’s nowhere near at this point, and accepting that there is none versus waiting and wishing is an easier route.

I can’t fake a real smile the same way I can’t pretend to have had a mind blowing orgasm ( well, at least i can’t ); no matter how hard I try. I’m too readable. My face and my eyes say it all. And I’m too tired to dream that something is going great when it’s actually set for failure from the beginning. I’m too old for that, I think.

But I at least have to try to smile, it decreases the occurence of wrinkles, or so they say. I have to force myself to be hopeful. I have to think that like Meredith, I stand a chance to get a Mac Dreamy or a Scoffield or a Dexter. And never ever settle for a George just to pass the night.

My closest of friends tell me that I have a thing for complicated men. Do I really??? It’s 7am and my brain is ticking from a night of "meaningful" conversation with someone who’s complicated himself. I’m smoking and on lots of caffeine and for once in a long long time, writing about a serious topic.

I analyze this seemingly comdemning acusation and think of the truths that support it. What do they mean by complicated anyway? I look at my colorful past and with complicated would they mean the cheating exes that I had? The ones with anger management or depression problems?The taken that are simply passing limbo with me? Or those that are as broken as I am and don’t know what they want? I wonder. So am I attracted to the challenge of luring, loving and understanding these difficult men in seemingly hopeless situations? Do I have a messainic complex, thinking that I can save them? And when they leave, do they drain me dry of my hopes and positivity and leave me numb…negative…?

The other question in my head is the contradictory of complicated. Is simple defined as someone completely single who would fall in love with me and follow me around like a sick puppy?Honestly….if that’s what I’m missing, then that’s not my cup of tea. No thanks, next please.

Is it also possible that it’s the other way around? That I attract complicated men only? I bring out my list ( aamin na ko, meron nga! ), and most of them are leaning towards the uncomplicated. Hindi ko nga lang sila gusto. Labo. So as my friend says, if you don’t like the people on your list, then the list does not exist.

Sige na nga, guilty as charged. But let me try to justify this "preferrence". I like men with substance. May sustansya kausap. That’s the reason why I don’t want to do date younger than 30. The 20 somethings just don’t seem to get me. And as luck would have it in the Philippines, there are hardly any single men in that age group. And if there are, there’s a big chance there’s something wrong with them or they have only one "capability" to brag about and they seem to be thinking with one body part alone. I’m also very determined, very career - oriented, and very busy. Most of the men who actually make time for me, are the ones who can afford to. Meaning they have their own business, own their time and don’t mind waking up for a breakfast date. Again, that translates to older men. Older also means more grounded. Shock - proof if possible and hardly has time to feel insecure. I’ve been through so much crap that it would drive the typical yuppy crying back to mommy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure my girlfriends are shaking their heads while theyre reading this…thinking I’m desperately hopeless. I’m trying to change my luck, and so far, the attempt to like the "nice" ones have resulted to being with someone who lied about being married, or losing a really great guy friend, and finding someone who seems to be as stained as I am. In the end, they all just got ruled out as complicated anyway. . .

Corrine Bailey Rae…Blowing Me Away…

"Like A Star"

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I’ll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Honour to love you

Still i wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

You’ve got this look i can’t describe,
You make me feel like I’m alive,
When everything else is au fait,
Without a doubt you’re on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can’t find the words to write this song,
Oh.,..
Your love,

Still i wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It’s not a secret anymore,
’cause we’ve been through that before,
From tonight I know that you’re the only one,
I’ve been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
To anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I’ll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands

So often do we hear "What are you wearing right now?" when we watch movies - in a hushed bedroom voice, and we all get so excited cause we know that the scenes about to get hot, hot, hot! ( no man to man for me though! ).

But in real life, do people actually deliver steamy lines like this? I’m sure you’re all nodding out there. It might come in different mediums - a text from your hubby on his way home, a colorfully fonted italicized ym from your cyber chat mate, or a whisper in your ear while dancing in a club that basically translates to - What underwear do you have on? Thus begins the foreplay.

The bigger question is, what in the blue fcuk is the proper answer to that? Would it be:

a. A LIE - too ashamed to say " I have granny panties the size of Arizona, it runs up to my breasts…OR too timid to say " I don’t have any. . ." ( di ko kaya yan, ayoko kabagin.)

b. THE TRUTH - with much confidence, regardless of unwanted holes and contour bones - "ahhhhh …nakagirdle ako eh." Or if you were me today, it would be a cotton pair with lace edges. . . ( sorry if i destroyed your fantasy - honestly do you expect me to wear thongs everyday? pag madali maginit ulo ko, yun ang suot ko malamang - yun tipong "Nina, peram ng stapler" sisigawan kita ng "WALA!!!!" rinig sa kabilang building).

c. A SMILE - kung text or chat - I would probably go :-). with a "wink." And if we were grinding against each other after 5 bottles of beer, it would probably be running your hand over my buns - you be the judge what it is. . . or if theres any. . .

A friend said that "sexiness" isn’t purely physical, it’s what a woman brings to the table to keep everything on an all time spice high…It’s what keeps a man itching to bring you home even after five years of exclusive dating. And this goes both ways. My dear men, let’s all try to keep it clean and stay away from the manong - looking shirts. . . And throw away those bacon edged briefs ( yung tipong nanay mo pa bumili! - isipin mo to, if you die in your sleep due to a plane crashing on your house at ma - TV ka, anung suot mo??? Mossimos are preferred - ultimate in comfort and style. )

A little creativity doesn’t hurt anyone. Whether its a short, steamy note left beside your coffee mug, or a surprise brutal attack revealing crotchless undies when you get into the car, or footsie under the table while dining with friends, or a simple smile…just one look…one seemingly insipid moment that only the two of you shared…or an intellectually orgasmic argument that turns into heated anticipation…a bottle of Jagger and mentholated oil ( wink wink). . .or two glasses of water, go hot, go cold . . .

Recently, someone asked me what my greatest fantasy is and my answer was I don’t have one…I’d rather be caught unarmed. . . Rather be kept guessing. . . Rather be amzingly dumbfounded that we had the same thoughts all night. . .

Like my friend sings daily…LET’S GET IT ON. . . So next time you go out, make sure you’re singing Slow Jamz on the way home…( marvin gaye,some luther vandross, a little anita…well well well well ). . .

Don’t worry, am not gonna ramble on about the ampalaya again, but something to that effect, just a few notches deeper. Just yesterday, I witnessed a moment that left me red and speechless. Was waiting fot Little China to dish out my rice box, when all of a sudden I see this couple right next to me…Arms locked in a powerful embrace, groping hands, passionate lips entwined, not minding the buzz that Megamall brings…You could see his youthful rage of hormones screaming as he kisses her…and her…well…you could see she needs a new set of dentures… and a new coat of hair color while youre at it….(rhett! chuchay!)…He was probably 30…She was most likely 60. Don’t get me wrong, these things really do happen. My mom’s sappy take on this would probably be "Napanood ko yan sa Maala-ala Mo Kaya. Si Gloria Diaz at si Carlo Aquino." So, live and let live.

I described the scene in front of me to someone I used to like (wink), and his reply was: Either you’re envious or you’re scared you’ll end up like that in the future. While I pretended to have a fit over what he said thru text, my real reaction was a long, speechless, undescribable, empty stare.

Fast forward to a day later, a new found friend ( that feels like an old soul ) states he’d rather date fine wine than fresh blood, savoring the bittersweet maturity that only experience can bring. I would probably have to agree with him ( little boys, stay away ), and really can not see myself with someone so much younger. I guess, what time has made me into, jaded and stained on most days, would just be TOO interesting to handle for the early 20’s. On the other hand, the "more mature" would use much syllabicated adjectives as "fascinating," or "inspiring." As the young would opt for "A little less conversation" the 30 somethings ( my preferred age) do a better job at pretending to be really interested in who you are. I’d also like to think that older men get distracted less by short skirts and low necklines. ( I once had a date, who hardly looked at my face, If my tits could talk, they’d have a heated debate for hours). Bottomline is, they are greater at making you feel that attraction isn’t merely superficial, and being strong - willed and overachieving is viewed as an asset and not as an ego -bust. And if that were the case, I wouldn’t really mind trailing off every so and so minutes, thinking how much time before he goes totally bald…( mahilig naman ako sa kalbo, kaya ok lang yan ). I just wish there were more of them single 30 somethings out there…

So back to the grocery, and lola’s smooching adventure, all though I would probably hit her with a bat if she were my grandma, I actually felt good for her…A. cause she’s still getting some lip - locking action ( and who knows what else, salamat sa BLISS ( ice flavor please) may asim pa! ), and B. cause she was simply happy at that particular moment in time. And if that would be temporal fever that ends as she pays for his kind services, so be it. Nakangiti naman sya eh! It may seem sad that due to the scarcity of men her age she opted to date three generations down, but what the heck, if you’re going for love, then might as well go with what life brings you.

Today, someone very dear to me, begged me to miss him, want him and not give up on him, however blurry the future looked for us ( sounds like Meredith! ). But tonight, I was told to smile more, to believe that something great is on its way, and not to settle for what is less than I deserve. Tonight, I was asked to be hopeful again, breathe and live, and  resurrect from my little deaths. . . .Well, I guess I could try. And put an old fragment of a memory as basis for trying to put poetry back into my life:

I watch you as you drive

Careful not to smile, and weary not to hope.

Into the sunset we glide,

As my temporal bliss goes into shades of gold.

No giddyness, yet thrilled.

Content at the moment, scared of tomorrow.

Perfect, yet bittersweet.

How can happiness come with so much sorrow?

" You have great legs. What time do they open? " Geez…does this really work on anyone??? Well, maybe if Wentworth Miller was asking, or some cutie who doesn’t require thinking. He can ask you to come be his slave, and all you can do is nod. But seriously, we see all these movies, God forbid not the tagalog ones, where a girl meets a guy at a bar, and he lashes out some unbelievably cheezy line and she’s suddenly all gaga for him. Does that happen in real life???

My friend says that we live in a post - dating world. So, how does the game go now? You see a hot stud in a bar, he picks you up, if you like each other you start singing " who’s gonna drive you home tonight?" ganun na lang ba talaga? makuha ka sa tingin at sa isang beer?

I think that this new "world" is becoming sort of normal for the younger generation. Either that or I’ve suddenly become ancient and old - fashioned, which is the last thing that I wanna be. I’m still your normal take me out to dinner kind of gal, coffee on the second date, drinks on the third…Hey a girl has to eat!!! Should you turn out to be an ass or loser, at least we got some free food, aight??? ( I like Nagomi, Friday’s, Banana Leaf Curry, Fish and Co,….and Dampa! Most recently the CRISPY TOKWA’T BABOY at Marikit-Na!).

Let’s say that we go my normal route, and things get hot and heavy, sans the big L and C word, how do you bring up I NEED YOU TO COME OVER one cold summer night?…( which we’ve been having recently - we are turning into a dessert - hot as hell in the day, breezy by the moon beam ).

In the past, it was a simple " hey my parents arent home, let’s crash!" But now that were consenting adults and it’s a question of who’s place - yours or mine, how do you charm your way into a night of hanky panky without sounding tacky???

Do you Johnny Bravo " Hey Baby, can I come Over and do you?" Or do you hide behind the seemingly romantic " I really miss you right now sweetie… ( well did you have to wait til 12 midnight to come visit? ) Kung pasimple ka pwede ring " Huy tara nuod kang dvd dito sa bahay ko.Walang tao, ako lang." ( DO WE NEED TO BE ALONE TO WATCH FLICKS???)" To the men out there, stop patronizing us, we know a booty call when we hear one…And when you do get laid, your first line would be: " I didn’t plan on this happening. " Talaga lang ha.

I think that women do a classier job. When we say "Punta ka dito, I baked a cake." WE DO MEAN THAT EXACTLY, and should we end up in whip cream is entirely up to your moves, you just gotta show up- looking good, smelling great, and preferrably a McDreamy stubble that 2 days of no shaving gives. If it were up to me, I’d send a sexy pic that had a headline - Come to bed, baby. Wala ng bolahan. Like what I always say to my married friend, start foreplay while he’s still at work, and you’re texting him to drive home early. I guarantee you by the time he gets to the doorstep he’ll be half naked…Well, unless you role play…

So, in conclusion, let’s not get TOO creative in hiding our real intentions. Women these days are only stupid when they choose to be, especially those who treat us as LEVEL 4’s ( this is what I get from watching Oprah ) - Yung pupuntahan ka nalang pag pauwi na galing gimik or date - mabaho na sya, naghahanap lang ng uuwian para hindi alone for the night, and the free breakfast doesnt hurt diba. Quesehodang galing ka pang bulacan may dalang malaking teydi ber, i don’t care! kung gusto mo ko makita, dapat maaga ka umalis no!

So back to post dating world and cheesy lines…Stop thinking too hard. A genuine " Hi, can i buy you a drink?" works all the time….

Nebs…am I being angsty again???

I was having a smoke a few minutes ago, enjoying the calm breeze that only the end of a work night could bring, from the balcony of our 9th floor office in Emerald. Looking down, some girl crossing the street catches my eye. And what eye would miss out on her black dress, matching red belt, bag and Minnie Mouse polka dot shoes? And it made me say wow, if I may quote my friend Lily, " Red shoes are such a commitment."

Most people would actually agree with her. Your usual black, white and beige can go with much about anything…But not dear old red, not yellow, violet or green. While most people buy shoes to match their various outfits, these colors would ask you to do your shopping the other way around - Sadly, I have all these hues in my shoe rack. A self - confessed shoe whore, I’ve been buying clothes to match my many - colored footsies!

The same could be said on how I pick my men. The more complicated they are, the more I seem to be drawn to them. ( Wasak! ).  The goody two shoes just don’t present much of a challenge, as my mom puts it " Kung mamili ka ng lalaki yung parang kaagaw mo buong mundo!"  And like my purchasing habits, I’ve altered my life and my beliefs to be able to accomodate, these so called " odly - colored men." From single to annuled and most recently married, from a college student to some VP in the US, from showbiz personality to some druglord…And true enough they all had some quirk that made me want to be with them…I think  I have messaianic complex. I have a tendency to believe that I can actually reform cheating bastards, turn little boys into grown men ( child abuse! ), and make great achievers out of dawgs that have no future. And somewhere along the way I always convince them to shave off their hair….hey usher…

Now, I’m two years away from 30 ( nyak! ), and I’m buying less and less pairs of shoes…I no longer have my fuschias anf my yellows, just a silver and a gold, a black and a beige, and some sneakers. I guess the same can be said about my taste in men…I guess my age is catching up with me… I guess the colors seem to be taking a more subtle tone…My my my…my plastic suddenly got its much needed rest from swiping action…

A tropical, Old World, tendril-bearing annual vine. I’m sure all of us have seen an amplaya at least once in their lives. But have you ever heard anyone assoiciate this long, shaft - like veggie to the male genitalia? Like I said, graveyard brings out the worse in anyone, and just as the sun was about to set yesterday, our work topic was that of finding LOVE ONLINE. A friend, who will hide under the name, Suzmita ( wala gusto ko lang ), reminisced of a man she met in one of the more popular dating sites. As the name of the chat room was "30’s love," Suzmita assumed everyone was as the age implied; and his account photo, was that of a young, strapping gentleman. A few months later, so called Guy flies to Manila. And on one faithful night in Bubba Gump, Suzmita gets the shock of her life when Guy turns out to be 30. . . + 30 more…Hello, lolo ikaw ba yan??? So, we all asked, "Ok namang matanda, eh kung gwapo naman ba? " Ang Suzmita’s unforgettable answer was : " Wala akong pakialam kung gwapo sya, AMPALAYA na yun no!" As our breathless laughter faded, I kept thinking, "Pakshet, anung itsura nun!." I shudder at the thought.Furthermore, as most americans would have it, "jupot ba, ni? ( uncircumsized ).My Gulay, combine amplaya and that supot factor, at kung malas pa sya at 3 inches lang yan, lolo may mararating ka pa kaya? Your tongue better be top - tornado with extra human capabilities, with a face that could launch a thousand sighs ( naks! )." Think about it, even if it were a mutatedly large ampalaya, will it smoothen under the influence of viagra???"No offense to Anna Nicole Smith ( RIP ), pero pano nga kaya ??? At kung si Sean Connery ka naman…well…hmmm…wish ko lang hindi lasang ampalaya! ( I don’t even eat the actual veggie…) I actually have to ponder on dating older men, because I usually get hounded by the lolos and the titos - of all ages and races ( Mal, ayoko nung may arai ng minahan sa Iraq!). At one point, this Japanese guy actually followed me all the way to the ladies bathroom. Heller???? I know I’ve been quoted to say, that you can’t choose who you love, but when it comes to age, I guess I gotta draw the line. I prefer men who are my age til 40 maybe, but anything more than that…I don’t think so…Ayokong mamulubi kame sa kabibili ng viagra, at mabyuda ng maaga. Kung mas bata naman sa ken…well…like I said before " tuition o load?" But then again the men in the age group I’m seeking are hardly ever single…gay even or going there ( sawa na sa babae ). And the high - quality ones sigurado nabingwit na no. So, lesson for the day…wag magkunwari! You’ll never really know if the love of your life is just at the other end of that PC. You wouldn’t want the person to fall for a different version of who you are or were….Kung lolo ka na, wag mo na itago! marami pa naman jang hot lola…Kung dati kang lalaki…get away with what you can…And if you’re married in real life…hay…you better not be listed in google…( read prior blog to this ).